I feel my stomach turn at the thought of it and all my insecurities return
Unworthiness, have I done enough?
My career is nowhere
Others are so much further ahead
I question whether I should have done a different college course and wonder if I should start again
Is it too late? I don’t have the time or money.
I feel frustrations about returning to a role where I don’t feel challenged
I don’t want to go back after I have done something so profound and wonderful as give life to my children
I am more than I was before
God I pray I won’t get sucked into thinking that I am not more because I feel I am behind in my career or that my job is boring.
I pray I will know that going to work I am looking after my family by providing for them even though it means leaving them for a little while.
God, I always dreamt about this time in my life where I had babies. And, now is it over. This is the last time.
I dreamt I would be a writer and write wonderful books and be a stay at home Mum and I would have time to pursue my passions.
I love being a Mum but I had no time. I haven’t written my books. I have written only a few stories.
I fear going back.
I fear I never will have time and then what am I then? I fear going back. I fear it will mean I will never be what I truly want to be.
I regret. I wish I had done something else that would allow myself to do what I want to do which is to write. Write and write and write. Tell my story, tell others.
I envy those with a million Instagram followers who can stay at home and do what they want
Please God, help me to know that my job is valuable to my family even though I do not love it. Please God help me find a way to write in the busyness of this life so that I can complete what I feel you are calling me to.
Please God help me not to feel that I have done nothing during this time away from work. I may be going back to what I did there before but there is so much more that I am now. The fact that the work is the same does not mean that what else I have done is not valuable. In fact it is much much more. Please help me to realise that my identity is not limited by my work.
Amen