I’ve lately been struggling with a Mum fog. I’m not sure if you’ve had this same fog? It’s the feeling like you are existing in a fog, not able to see out of it and not able to see who you are clearly within it. Perhaps the fog is also existing within me. I am more malleable within it. My edges are not as easy to define.
Before motherhood
Prior to having babies things were much clearer- perhaps too clear. I spent a lot of time reflecting and ruminating about where I was in life. My relationship status and potential future status was one of these. But, I was also clearer on other things. I saw my career and what I wanted to pursue with it more clearly. I knew what books I liked to read, what hobbies I wanted to pursue and where I might like to visit on the weekend. I was clear about hobbies that I might like to pursue and free to do so. I could see myself and feel my edges.
How it feels
This fog I am in now I don’t know when it will lift or how to make it go away. Some of the fog is from fatigue. Some of the fog scares me in that things that once interested me just don’t anymore. Where previously there may have been interest sometimes I find ambivalence. This is perhaps the part of the fog that scares me the most. Have those previous interests been lost? Or, is it just simply the fog that has stolen them? Will the fog lift or is it here to stay?
The career fog
There perhaps is, amongst this fog, one particular fog relating to my career. There are feelings of regret about perhaps not having chosen the right studies to pursue a career that is as easy to fit into the lifestyle of a Mum. There are feelings of uncertainty – should I go study something new? There are also feelings of failure – that I have not achieved enough – and frustration that some things that perhaps I would like to pursue are not not realistically possible.
Will it lift one day?
This fog I hope will lift one day. Perhaps it is just staying around while my dreams and my own sense of self transforms into something new? But, this fog is uncomfortable. I don’t know the process by which I can make my way through it. I would love the grace to accept it while it hangs. Who knows, perhaps there is a positive element of not knowing and just waiting for the next thing to reveal itself after it lifts?